“…although we may have something unhealthy deep inside of us, those in whom Christ dwells also have something deeper. Something whole. Something so infinitely healthy that, if it would but invade the rest of us, we would be healed…That, beloved, is our challenge. To let the healthy, utterly whole, and completely secure part of us increasingly overtake our earthen vessels until it drives our every emotion, reaction, and relationship. When we allow God’s truth to eclipse every false positive and let our eyes spring open to the treasure we have, there in His glorious reflection we’ll also see the treasure we are. And the beauty of the Lord our God will be upon us.”
-excerpt taken from So Long Insecurity you’ve been a bad friend to us by Beth Moore
I think most people have probably experienced the, “please, don’t call on me” feeling. I know it well and felt “called on” most recently this summer. My husband was the deliverer of the news and, knowing me as he does, informed the caller that there was, “no way she would do that!” (the “that” being to share my testimony in front of a large group of people). However, since my husband had already had the, no way is she going to do that reaction on my behalf, it was like I was freed up to consider (—because the fact that I would never do something like that certainly needed to be said but since it already had been, it didn’t have the same urgency to be restated by me 😊). So, I did (consider, that is).
A couple of days later, I’m in the car driving home from a yoga class when I turn the radio on and happen to catch the last third of a Focus on the Family interview with a woman speaking about finding healing and hope. The verse she shared less than a minute after I tune in was Revelation 12:11: “They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony; they did not love their lives so much as to shrink from death.” Right then I knew, God was calling me to share, I would overcome by the word of my testimony; God did His part, and I needed to do mine. Over the next week this verse was put before me two more times—definitely making it feel like a confirmation of the Word the Spirit was attempting to impress upon my heart. After that, I was cautiously excited to step out in obedience in an arena that I was not at all comfortable in (public speaking) but still felt like God wanted to use. Another point that the woman on the radio shared was that there are certain steps she encourages people to take in order to incite healing. She shared the first two which are 1) Tell your story and 2) Share the Truth. That is what I’m attempting to do now.
I’ve struggled for much of my life with shame and deep-seated insecurity. I remember as a first or second grader not wanting to remove my sweater at recess because I had suddenly become self-conscious of the freckles on my arms. As for the origin of these faulty ways of thinking I can’t point to much beyond my inherent sin nature. I came from a Christian home and don’t remember a time when I didn’t know Jesus. I remember feeling before it’s like I don’t have an “excuse” for my brokenness and have often wished I had a more exciting/dramatic testimony. In my heart I know that this is again a faulty way of thinking, because the Spirit can convey what He wants to through my story, in fact He’s kind of authoring it—who am I to call unfit what He deems fit? Really, this is just a posture of pride on my part (“Should the thing that was created say to the one who created it, ‘Why have you made me like this?’” Romans 9:20b).
A few years ago, I sought out counseling through our church. I was just feeling stuck in some negative patterns and ways of relating, primarily in my marriage. The counselor they paired me with helped open my eyes to a core lie I had been believing—one I had held so close for so long that I didn’t even see it until it was pointed out and literally spoken to my face–the lie was and is: “You’re not enough”. You’re not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough…It was an insert adjective here kind of all-encompassing lie. Tears sprang to my eyes and I began to cry as she vocalized some of the deep hurt that I had been keeping inside. Since that day, I’ve begun to notice how prevalent this lie is! I am not alone. Satan uses it on so many people! How crucial it is for us to identify and uproot the lies that we’ve been believing but just as important as removing is replacing. Replacing specifically with God’s Truth. For me, this process involved identifying and writing out a list of lies that I’d been believing and to find verses in the Bible that countered them. The first one I tackled was the lie, “you’re not enough”. But in Christ, I am, you are! And more than just “enough” 1 Peter 2:9 says: “But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, God’s special possession, that you may declare the praises of Him who called you out of darkness into His wonderful light.”
Another lie I had been believing is: who you really are is unlovely and unacceptable…One of the verses God gave me to counter this is especially precious as I would never have selected it on my own–it was His gift to me–one I still have trouble fully embracing at times. Song of Songs 4:7: You are altogether beautiful, my darling; there is no flaw in you. When He first showed me this verse, I felt my spirit respond with seriously? NO flaw?? I mean you can look at someone and say they are “altogether beautiful” (defects and all kind of thing simply because you love them so much) but without flaw? That’s just not realistic! And yet there the words stood and stand, and one thing I can say is that the Word is indeed without flaw. Therefore, what else but complete arrogance and pride would keep me from not embracing and accepting what the Eternal Word has spoken? Forgive me, Jesus. Give me Your eyes…
From insecurity and shame my struggles kind of morphed into envy and comparison issues especially with my sisters. I carried these comparison issues into my marriage and for years they had been stealing my joy and doing harm to my relationships. The same counselor that God had used to enlighten me earlier, broached the idea of sharing my struggles with one of my sisters. However, I just felt so embarrassed. All the things I struggled with were so small and petty, and I didn’t feel right about “burdening” her with “my issues”. Maybe a year later I started going through a book on humility called, Humility: the beauty of holiness with my husband who had just finished going through it himself with his mentor. As we read through and discussed the issues it brought up, I began to realize the role pride had been playing in my shame and insecurity issues and consequent struggle with envy and comparison. At first it seems counter-intuitive: why would thinking of myself as “not as good as” be pride? I think part of it is when I’m comparing myself to other people, I’m setting the bar by which I should be measured instead of God–it becomes all about me and what I think I want instead of trusting God’s providence and goodness in my life. Our pastor always says, “it’s not about thinking less of yourself but rather thinking of yourself less”. Through the humility study I was able to see what a stranglehold pride had over my life and knew that in faith I needed to move against it. So, I determined to meet up with my sister and confess how I had allowed my pride to enter in and negatively affect our relationship–it had been easier for me to just push away from her because I didn’t like the feelings that got stirred up when we were together. Let me tell you, my flesh was so not excited to do this but, in my spirit, I felt moved to approach her like Job’s friends did at the end of that story and, in humility, ask for her to pray for me. God’s word to Job’s friends was: “My servant Job will pray for you, and I will accept his prayer and not deal with you according to your folly.” I definitely needed that. So, I texted her and we arranged to meet for coffee after she got off work a couple days later. It ended up being a cloudy, drizzly day and I had been half looking around for a rainbow as some sort of sign but didn’t spot any. We met up and chatted for an hour or so. I had written out a “confession” letter I wanted to read but before I did, I visited the restroom to offer up a quick prayer. When I came out of the bathroom and started walking back over to where my sister was sitting I just remember seeing this wall of glass windows, a break in the clouds and there was my rainbow, spilling down out of the sky right as I sat down to totally humble myself in front of my sister. Isn’t God cool? From the history of the earth He has used His creation to encourage and uplift His people.
The next thing I had written out to say was, “even though I got my rainbow, I still struggle and don’t feel like I walk in total victory here or in any of the other areas that I’ve shared about”. However, when I humbled myself enough to let my husband pre-read my testimony before my initial large group sharing, he looked up at me and said, “that is not at all what I’ve seen. Since that day you went and met with your sister there hasn’t been one time where it has been apparent to me that this was still a struggle.” I was floored that there had been such a marked improvement from his point of view and that I had been so blind to it! Of course, I still struggle with attitudes of the heart that are more subtle but it was so encouraging to hear that from his perspective there had been great progress and victory in this area of my life. I think Satan had even tried to steal this–and of course he’s all about that, stealing glory and joy that aren’t his.
A word I do feel like the Lord gave me in relation to what I expressed earlier, namely some level of frustration over not experiencing more freedom and victory in this area (maybe there is some pride here too, like “I should be farther along than I am!”), is found in Deuteronomy 7:21-23. Moses is speaking to the Israelites before they go in to possess the Promised Land and drive out the people that are currently living there:
“Do not be terrified by them, for the Lord your God, who is among you, is a great and awesome God. The Lord your God will drive out those nations before you, little by little. You will not be allowed to eliminate them all at once, or the wild animals will multiply around you. But the Lord your God will deliver them over to you, throwing them into great confusion until they are destroyed.”
I need to trust my good Heavenly Father for the “little by little” knowing that in His timing He will deliver me…I am being delivered.
I knew this was clearly a word that the Spirit was speaking to me. And what a blessing that at some point I read on and discovered the answer to the “why” question that is begging to be voiced when it is stated that the Israelites (or in my case, me!) would “not be allowed to eliminate them all at once”. Judges 2:22-23 and 3:2,4 says:
“‘I did this to test Israel—to see whether or not they would follow the ways of the Lord as their ancestors did.’ That is why the Lord left those nations in place. He did not quickly drive them out or allow Joshua to conquer them all…He did this to teach warfare to generations of Israelites who had no experience in battle…These people were left to test the Israelites—to see whether they would obey the commands the Lord had given to their ancestors through Moses.”
Hundreds of years later James would acknowledge the tremendous value that testing brings when he penned the words: “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.” James 1:2-4
Recently I was reading in Joshua chapter 18 and verse 3 just jumped out at me. I think it’s a good reflective question for us all to ask ourselves.
“So Joshua said to the Israelites: ‘How long will you wait before you begin to take possession of the land that the Lord, the God of your ancestors, has given you?’”
So how long will you wait? Where has God promised victory in your life if you will but dare to step out in faith?
“I will give you every place where you set your foot, as I promised Moses…No one will be able to stand against you all the days of your life. As I was with Moses, so I will be with you; I will never leave you nor forsake you.” Joshua 1:3,5
And where has God given you victory already? Psalm 107:2 asks and then exhorts, “Has the Lord redeemed you? Then speak out! Tell others He has redeemed you from your enemies.”
With whom is the Spirit prompting you to share the word of your testimony?